Another Sleepless Night

Another sleepless night. So what to do? Well usually on nights like this is when I get to do my blogging. I usually cant sleep like this when I have a lot of things on my mind. Before I go any further, let me fill you in on my relationship with my mom. We used to be really close, I could talk to her about anything. Then about two years ago her and my dad got a divorce. Shortly after they split up she started drinking heavily every night, which puts alot of extra stress on our family. Because now not only do we have to worry about her taking care of herself, we have to wonder if she will be in her right mind when we call her or not. Normally when she calls me anytime after 5:00 I do not answer my phone because it hurts me to know that it is that early in the evening and she is already had too much to drink. So I avoid her and when I do talk to her I try to say things about the drinking but she doesnt get it I guess. I received a text message from my mom today asking me for a favor. I was not really ready for what she had to tell me





Well today when she texted me for a favor, I responded like normal and asked her what she needed. She tells me that she went to the doctor today and she has to go and get some testing done on Thursday. She tells me that she needs a ride there and that is all. So I ask her what kind of testing she has to get done. Well I knew the answer that was coming, I just thought maybe if I hoped enough it wouldnt be what she was about to tell me. She says to me that she had a checkup today and the irregular cells that went away last year on her ovaries are back. They have to go in and do an ultra sound and other testing to be sure that it is or isnt cancer. I had this gut feeling when she texted me that something was wrong. And ever since she texted me I have wanted to call her and talk to her. But you know what, I couldn't do that because I knew that she had been drinking and she wouldn't have remembered the conversation anyways. I havent been able to get her out of my head ever since I talked to her today.



I want to go with her to be there for her, but I just don't know if I can go through the cancer things again. Part of me wonders if she is sick, will she wake up and realize how precious life is and that she doesnt need that alcohol to fill that void? But then part of me thinks it will lead her to drink more. So I am really scared that the second one will happen and she will end up drinking her life away. She keeps telling me that she misses me and she wants to see Micah, but I tell her that I am too busy to come and see her. Now I wish that all of those times she asked me to come and see her that I would have. It's just hard when she is with someone I don't really think helps her drinking problem. In fact, I think he makes it worse, but she doesnt believe me when I tell her that. I guess this little problem has made me wake up and realize that she wont be here forever, none of us will. And that I need to spend as much time with her as I can while she is here. We don't know if it is cancer or not but I have this gut wrenching feeling that it is something bad. I pray that it is not because I don't think her body is strong enough to fight it on its own. She used to believe in God, but now I don't know what she believes. I didn't realize how I was taking life so much for granted until today.



Its so easy to get caught up in your own life and take your family for granted just because they are there. I don't have the best relationship with my mom anymore, but I still love her just as much as I did when she was with my dad. I think that she needs a wake up call and maybe this is God's way of giving it to her.......even if it is not cancer, I know that right now she is scared and she needs someone to be there for her. I think that she wants that person to be me and I just don't know if I can be. Well I do know that with God in my heart and by my side I can be that strong person that she wants me to be......or I can at least try. I know that he will take care of me no matter where this goes. I just wish that my mom had that peace in her life, I am fully relying on God to bring me and my family through this hard spot. I am praying that he will use me to show my mom she can fill that empty spot with God's love and not alcohol and how much better her life will be that way. That she can wake up every morning and look forward to the day and to tomorrow.



I have made the decision that I will take her to the appointments just so that I can be there for her. I don't want her to go by herself, she is not strong enough to do this on her own. I know that and I think she does to and that is why she asked me to take her. I think she thinks she will go and everything will be ok again. But I am not sure that things will go as easily this time. I hope so much that evrything will work out. So I am going to be doing a whole lot of praying that morning before I go so that I can be strong for her. I know that with God with me, I will be at peace with whatever we find out that day. Good or bad, I know that he will take care of me and my family. Brian and I both put God first in our lives and in our marriage because we know that if we didn't we would not be where we are today. Praying for all the lost including my own family and myself! I feel lost sometimes and then I look to him and he reassures me that all will work out in the end the way that he intends it to.

Embracing Life

Adorable, isn't he? He's 3 months old in this picture. It feels like yesterday he was just born. He has grown so much so fast. He is starting into the stage where he recognizes Brian and I. When he sees or hears us you will see him start to look around the room and smile as soon as he sees us. It's amazing how their little minds work at this age. Micah amazes me everyday by how much he does. He cooes and cooes at us and tries to talk and it's the coolest thing. I always thought it was neat how they try to communicate with adults when it was someone else's kids. But to watch and listen to little Micah try to do it, it just makes it so much more awesome.

Up until this past week, I felt so helpless when it came to Micah, I felt like I was missing everything. Then I was reading my daily devotional and God sent me a sign. Something that told me I needed to start putting my faith in him. I needed to really start relying on him like I always say that I do. I think deep down we all say we put all of our faith in him but we always keep something of our own to ourselves. Something that we think we can control but we just end of messing it up. That is what I was doing and when I was reading his word something shook me up enough to make me realize it. I wasnt putting God or my family first, I was too worried about trying to pay the bills and make ends meet.

That day was when I decided I was going to put myself back on track. I needed to put all my faith in him and not just some of it. So with Brian going through work conditioning and me working all the time, we had no one to watch little Micah. So we made the decision for me to cut back to Part-Time while Brian is trying to get back to work. So now I get to spend a majority of everyday with my family and I love it. I get to have my time with God and have my time with them. I actually get to see little Micah grow and learn new things. And I am learning to put ALL my faith and ALL my life in God. He is the only one worth putting everything on the line. He put everything he had on the line for me, so why shouldn't I do the same for him?

Hard To Admit

I don't know why but something is telling me to post a blog. I am not sure if it's because writing things out (my thoughts) helps me to feel better or what. Today more so than other days I have been thinking alot about how my relationship with God has been slowed almost to a point where I am no longer moving in the direction that I need to be. I am not really moving at all, I can sit here all day and make as many excuses as I want to say why I have let this happen. But the truth is, is that there is no excuse at all that is good enough to for me to blame on anyone else. With our little one here in our lives now I realize that I really do need to get myself back in order before I can start showing him how to live his life. I feel like I have stopped moving spiritually and I know that this is not a good thing.

For those of you who don't know I am in charge of Hopeland at our church. I love working with the kids at the church and love interacting with all of my volunteers. My volunteers are the best and they are always willing to be there even if it's last minute. But like I said before I think that I have stopped moving spiritually. I found that the busier Hopeland got the less I got to go to the actual services at the church. But I have also let myself down when I am not at the church. I have not held myself accountable with reading and studying God's word. I think this is why I am struggling wtih somethings in my life. Don't get me wrong, my life is great. I have a wonderful and loving husband, a handsome little son and a great family who loves me. Not to mention an amazing God who loves me no matter what I do wrong. But I think that is my problem, I take advantage of the whole he loves me no matter what I do. I think to myself sometimes, what do I do to deserve this wonderful love he gives me daily. Why am I not doing the things he wants me to do?

I know the answers to my questions, but for some reason it has taken me till today to realize that I need to get myself back on track. I have decided to step out of my lead position in Hopeland and focus on my family and my personal relationship with God. I think this is something that I really need to do to get myself back into the swing of things as some would say. I may need some help from my family and friends but I know that they will be there with all the support that I need. But most of all I just need to focus completely on God and all the wonderful things that he does for me. I praise him for the life that I have now and pray that he gives me the strength to get through this whole transition. I know that it will be hard to get myself moving forward again but I know that it will be worth it in the end.

Random Thoughts

Sleeping like an angel, atleast for now is what everyone has been telling me. I never would have thought in my whole life that I could feel so much love for someone I just met. That is until I met this little guy! He has been a true blessing to my husband and I and I am not sure that we knew what was really in store for us. I know that I wasn't ready for him to show up 2 weeks early, he was already acting like his dad.....pulling a fast one over on me by coming into the world 2 weeks early. :) So anyways, I thought that my husband and I had a close bond before we had Micah. But since he has come into the world, things have been so different. It's this unspoken bond almost. He has brought us closer than ever. I think that this was God intention when he blessed us with Micah. We weren't struggling or anything with our marriage, but we certainly didn't expect to get pregnant either. As soon as we put God as the center of our marriage, that is when he showed us that miracles to happen. And here we are with little Micah.

I sit here today and think of the sacrafice that God made for us, he gave his only son. Now having a son puts a whole new meaning on what he did for me and my sins. Talking to someone the other day about this subject got me thinking. Would I be willing to give up my son? Would you? To think to myself that I would have to let my little one die for someone elses sins, I always said well sure I would. But that was before we had Micah, now when I ask myself that question I find myself hesitating to answer it. Then I think to myself, God never hesitated, he just did what needed to be done. Jesus also knew what he had to do and he willing gave his life for us, do we take advantage of that? I think so, should we? No, but it's so easy to do that I think that we all just assume tomorrow will be here just like today was.

Micah has made a drastic change in our lives, sure some of them aren't the best, but we are making the most of what we have. We have God, our baby, a loving family, and loving and caring friends. We are truly blessed in so many ways, we all just need to focus on the good things and not the bad. We are pushing through the rough times and praying more and more. People say that when you have kids things change, they are so right on that. They say, oh you will never get to sleep anymore and you wont get to do this or that anymore. But what they don't tell you are all the wonderful things that you do get to do. You get to just sit and watch your baby grow and learn new things everyday. You get to see that first smile and that first laugh, which is the cutest thing to me. You might have to get up at all hours of the night to feed them, but when you do that, you have this bond that is so much stronger than anything else. I sit with Micah at night while feeding him and think to myself. What did I do to deserve such a beautiful blessing in my life? Then I thank God any chance I get for blessing us with him and the chance to raise a family in his ways and to get the chance to teach them what God has done for us and for Micah.

Crazy Movements

So my first post....kind of nerve racking to think about people reading my thoughts. But hey, if one day it could help someone get through something I have been through then it will all be worth it. Just sitting here thinking to myself of all the moving I have done in my life. Not just physical moving, but also emotional and spiritual moving. Over the course of the past year and a half my life has done a complete 360. My husband and I weren't always followers of Christ, but that is one of the many movements we made in our lives. Am I am so glad that we did, because now we are very close to having a new addition to our family. And I know that deep down, had we of not made the move and decision to follow Christ that we would not have this little blessing on the way.

I grew up in church, my dad was a pastor of a little baptist church in Holmesville, OH. My grandfather was also a pastor. But anyways, I think everyone thinks just because you grow up going to church that it;s something that will always stay with you and that you will always stick to it. Well part of that statement is true....it does always stay with you, but you definitely don't always stick by the things you know are right. I gave my life to Christ at the age of 13 for the first time, I really felt alive in my faith. But I don't think at the time I fully understood what it meant to give my life to Christ, but I do know the feeling and there is nothing like it. I didn't know some of the things I know now. But that has only made me a stronger Christian. Not too long after that the church my dad was pastor at fell apart. Part of me wondered why this would happen and part of me was OK with it. I now realize why the church fell apart....there was no reaching going on in that small church, It consisted of mostly friends and family and no one new ever came....I think that God had other plans for the people of that church and for my family too.

But then I met someone who became so very special to me. Her name was Jennifer Lewis and she is the one of the many reasons I stuck with my faith through the next couple of years. I had known Jenni for many years and she was like a sister to me. Well when we were 14, she was diagnosed with brain cancer, but she wasn't about to let that stop her. She was the strongest girl I know and she never let her faith waiver in this time. She always kept telling me....everything is going to be OK, whether it was or not no one really knew. Shortly after her death, I was really confused why God would do such a thing. But I realized that God took Jenni out of my life so that I would open my life up to someone new. He always does what is best for us even if we don't think so at the time.

About three years after her death, I sat and talked with my new best friend, Brian. He made me realize that I had not let her go completely and that it was holding me back from things that I needed to be doing with my life. I always blamed myself for not getting to say good-bye when I had the chance. I never realized that I had done this until he sat me down and talked to me and really made me open my heart and soul to him and to God. That night, something in me changed and I realized that this was something I thought I had done years ago, but I really never did. I think sometimes we hold on to loved one because we think it will keep them here with us, when it does nothing but makes life harder for us. God takes and places people in and out of our lives for reasons we may never know. But we need to know that there is a reason and if you figure it out.....great and if you don't.....that's OK too.

Now we are expecting our first child and that is the scariest thing in the world to me right now. He keeps asking me if I am worried and I kind of brush it off a little and say not really but yeah. I am not worried if we will be good parents, because I know that God will see us through it and guide us to teach out children his ways. I can't sit here and act like I am not concerned with where we will get the things we need for this baby. But I do know that God has saw us through our life so far, so I know that he will not let us down and just decide to abandon us. Because he will never abandon us, the only one who can do the abandoning is us. And I definitely do not plan on doing that because I know without God in my life, I would not be where I am today in my marriage or my relationship with my family and with him. He has blessed me so much in my life and sometimes I think I forget to thank him for all he has done. I know that I don't deserve his grace and love but I am so very thankful that he offers it to me each and every day of my life and I tell him that anytime I can.

Just a little note here to finish what I am trying to say. Without making the move to except Christ into my life and my marriage, I would not be where I am today. I would not happy in my marriage and my life, I would not be expecting my first child with the man that I love. I would not even have a husband. God saved our marriage and I know that and I thank him for that everyday. Not to mention the fact that he has saved me from an eternal life in hell. Making even the smallest of moves in your life as long as they include God, will do amazing things for your life. I am not saying it will be easy, because I can tell you now, nothing in life is easy or just given to you. Just to know that someone loves you, even if you don't think you are capable of it, is one of the most comforting feelings I have ever felt. Just keep in mind that no matter what you do, whether you make a move or not, God loves you anyways and he always will.