Another sleepless night. So what to do? Well usually on nights like this is when I get to do my blogging. I usually cant sleep like this when I have a lot of things on my mind. Before I go any further, let me fill you in on my relationship with my mom. We used to be really close, I could talk to her about anything. Then about two years ago her and my dad got a divorce. Shortly after they split up she started drinking heavily every night, which puts alot of extra stress on our family. Because now not only do we have to worry about her taking care of herself, we have to wonder if she will be in her right mind when we call her or not. Normally when she calls me anytime after 5:00 I do not answer my phone because it hurts me to know that it is that early in the evening and she is already had too much to drink. So I avoid her and when I do talk to her I try to say things about the drinking but she doesnt get it I guess. I received a text message from my mom today asking me for a favor. I was not really ready for what she had to tell me
Well today when she texted me for a favor, I responded like normal and asked her what she needed. She tells me that she went to the doctor today and she has to go and get some testing done on Thursday. She tells me that she needs a ride there and that is all. So I ask her what kind of testing she has to get done. Well I knew the answer that was coming, I just thought maybe if I hoped enough it wouldnt be what she was about to tell me. She says to me that she had a checkup today and the irregular cells that went away last year on her ovaries are back. They have to go in and do an ultra sound and other testing to be sure that it is or isnt cancer. I had this gut feeling when she texted me that something was wrong. And ever since she texted me I have wanted to call her and talk to her. But you know what, I couldn't do that because I knew that she had been drinking and she wouldn't have remembered the conversation anyways. I havent been able to get her out of my head ever since I talked to her today.
I want to go with her to be there for her, but I just don't know if I can go through the cancer things again. Part of me wonders if she is sick, will she wake up and realize how precious life is and that she doesnt need that alcohol to fill that void? But then part of me thinks it will lead her to drink more. So I am really scared that the second one will happen and she will end up drinking her life away. She keeps telling me that she misses me and she wants to see Micah, but I tell her that I am too busy to come and see her. Now I wish that all of those times she asked me to come and see her that I would have. It's just hard when she is with someone I don't really think helps her drinking problem. In fact, I think he makes it worse, but she doesnt believe me when I tell her that. I guess this little problem has made me wake up and realize that she wont be here forever, none of us will. And that I need to spend as much time with her as I can while she is here. We don't know if it is cancer or not but I have this gut wrenching feeling that it is something bad. I pray that it is not because I don't think her body is strong enough to fight it on its own. She used to believe in God, but now I don't know what she believes. I didn't realize how I was taking life so much for granted until today.
Its so easy to get caught up in your own life and take your family for granted just because they are there. I don't have the best relationship with my mom anymore, but I still love her just as much as I did when she was with my dad. I think that she needs a wake up call and maybe this is God's way of giving it to her.......even if it is not cancer, I know that right now she is scared and she needs someone to be there for her. I think that she wants that person to be me and I just don't know if I can be. Well I do know that with God in my heart and by my side I can be that strong person that she wants me to be......or I can at least try. I know that he will take care of me no matter where this goes. I just wish that my mom had that peace in her life, I am fully relying on God to bring me and my family through this hard spot. I am praying that he will use me to show my mom she can fill that empty spot with God's love and not alcohol and how much better her life will be that way. That she can wake up every morning and look forward to the day and to tomorrow.
I have made the decision that I will take her to the appointments just so that I can be there for her. I don't want her to go by herself, she is not strong enough to do this on her own. I know that and I think she does to and that is why she asked me to take her. I think she thinks she will go and everything will be ok again. But I am not sure that things will go as easily this time. I hope so much that evrything will work out. So I am going to be doing a whole lot of praying that morning before I go so that I can be strong for her. I know that with God with me, I will be at peace with whatever we find out that day. Good or bad, I know that he will take care of me and my family. Brian and I both put God first in our lives and in our marriage because we know that if we didn't we would not be where we are today. Praying for all the lost including my own family and myself! I feel lost sometimes and then I look to him and he reassures me that all will work out in the end the way that he intends it to.
Well today when she texted me for a favor, I responded like normal and asked her what she needed. She tells me that she went to the doctor today and she has to go and get some testing done on Thursday. She tells me that she needs a ride there and that is all. So I ask her what kind of testing she has to get done. Well I knew the answer that was coming, I just thought maybe if I hoped enough it wouldnt be what she was about to tell me. She says to me that she had a checkup today and the irregular cells that went away last year on her ovaries are back. They have to go in and do an ultra sound and other testing to be sure that it is or isnt cancer. I had this gut feeling when she texted me that something was wrong. And ever since she texted me I have wanted to call her and talk to her. But you know what, I couldn't do that because I knew that she had been drinking and she wouldn't have remembered the conversation anyways. I havent been able to get her out of my head ever since I talked to her today.
I want to go with her to be there for her, but I just don't know if I can go through the cancer things again. Part of me wonders if she is sick, will she wake up and realize how precious life is and that she doesnt need that alcohol to fill that void? But then part of me thinks it will lead her to drink more. So I am really scared that the second one will happen and she will end up drinking her life away. She keeps telling me that she misses me and she wants to see Micah, but I tell her that I am too busy to come and see her. Now I wish that all of those times she asked me to come and see her that I would have. It's just hard when she is with someone I don't really think helps her drinking problem. In fact, I think he makes it worse, but she doesnt believe me when I tell her that. I guess this little problem has made me wake up and realize that she wont be here forever, none of us will. And that I need to spend as much time with her as I can while she is here. We don't know if it is cancer or not but I have this gut wrenching feeling that it is something bad. I pray that it is not because I don't think her body is strong enough to fight it on its own. She used to believe in God, but now I don't know what she believes. I didn't realize how I was taking life so much for granted until today.
Its so easy to get caught up in your own life and take your family for granted just because they are there. I don't have the best relationship with my mom anymore, but I still love her just as much as I did when she was with my dad. I think that she needs a wake up call and maybe this is God's way of giving it to her.......even if it is not cancer, I know that right now she is scared and she needs someone to be there for her. I think that she wants that person to be me and I just don't know if I can be. Well I do know that with God in my heart and by my side I can be that strong person that she wants me to be......or I can at least try. I know that he will take care of me no matter where this goes. I just wish that my mom had that peace in her life, I am fully relying on God to bring me and my family through this hard spot. I am praying that he will use me to show my mom she can fill that empty spot with God's love and not alcohol and how much better her life will be that way. That she can wake up every morning and look forward to the day and to tomorrow.
I have made the decision that I will take her to the appointments just so that I can be there for her. I don't want her to go by herself, she is not strong enough to do this on her own. I know that and I think she does to and that is why she asked me to take her. I think she thinks she will go and everything will be ok again. But I am not sure that things will go as easily this time. I hope so much that evrything will work out. So I am going to be doing a whole lot of praying that morning before I go so that I can be strong for her. I know that with God with me, I will be at peace with whatever we find out that day. Good or bad, I know that he will take care of me and my family. Brian and I both put God first in our lives and in our marriage because we know that if we didn't we would not be where we are today. Praying for all the lost including my own family and myself! I feel lost sometimes and then I look to him and he reassures me that all will work out in the end the way that he intends it to.
good luck I hope it all ends well =)
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